You + Me = Alone

Hi.

It's been 10 years since the first step of facing bigger world. I did not realize it's been a decade, but I'm counting and grouping times based on two patterns of events; white and black, good and bad. I thought the first step is a white one, and the day after three years from it would be black. But turns out I don't know what is white or what is black, and it is not fair to decide it like that. Because who I am? I realize that they are grey, all of them. Maybe it is dark grey or light grey or mid grey, I don't know if you can call it so. But for the safest line I could step on, I know they are grey.

And every time the color was changing, between the bar, I unconsiously piled up my skin. How those colors affect me. And I found many things. Most of them are scars, like bruises or scratch. Most of them are ugly too, because it left a mark, and it will always be there if I look at my self, whether somebody point it out to me or I could just low my head and see it clearly, through the mirror, through my eyes. I figured out that the scratch are the most painful one because I always wear long clothes, you know. Bruises are fine because I would never find it except I pull up my clothes.

Other than scars, I also learned that I left foot traces. When I was walking, I would take or throw something on the ground, my memories or others' memories. Because sometimes—sometimes I tripped, and I am a klutz so I never learned. Now I am carrying a lot of things in my arms, and lost a hold of what were mine too. It which stays has became a part of me.

I also felt like a scattered house made from legos. I saw my house falling apart, turn into messy pieces. But the legos have many different colors, right? Red, blue, green, yellow. Now I am trying to build a house, a new one. But I am not really sure which should I pick or left, or can I hold it and make it as part of my house again. When I was looking back to the traces that unwashed even from rainy days, I know that even though they shape different, every legos has the same position for me, whether I like it or not because I dont mind how my house look like. I just want to build a house. Those legos are also a part of grey bars I've been walking, so it would be fine right?

When I was writing this, I remember why Annie Leonhardt laughing when she was caught up. Because—because regrets are also the symbolism of self-reflection right? But you could not do anything except keep going. You don't even know if you could call it as pain, but it still hurts somehow. I think when I laughed it off instead of crying, there is this combination between regrets in my stomach, also a tingling feeling. Like, wow why are you so stupid.

Or why Akashi Seijuro finally chose to stand by himself, why he is so obsessed with victory, and vomit his ideality over reality. I wonder why a cold way of living is easier than burning yourself under such circumstance like emotional bond. After all, I'm still a newbie at understanding people.

When I was writing this, I also remember a glimpse of mind where I sat in a dark corner alone. Maybe that's what j-hope called as blue side, maybe it's a piece of mind that pop up everytime you close your eyes and nobody is around. I was falling into an abyss, and I never know dark felt so good and safe and I wonder why is it forbidden. Is it also forbidden when you are only by yourself? But blue side is truly the safest place, isn't it?

It'd been 10 years. I want you to know that eventhough I havent met many people, but I also through enough. I am still standing watching those shattered legos, and I haven't found the answer yet, but I want to tell you that I made a journey. I learn, I think, I feel. I made my own journey.

I am not saying this because I want you to be proud of me, because we always have higher sky to look up to and it's always so pretty to tilt our head like that, enjoying something we could not reach easily even if we fly. I am saying this because I want you to know that we are moving. Just like how times keep chasing our breathe every second, we also do the same. Don't be sad because we are standing. History is not always there to be shared, but they are still history whether people know it or not. They happened. So, I hope you can remember this until we find our finish line.

That we are together. Until the end, it is us.